Remembering our Engagement

All the memories that are making this the most special time of my life.

I’m in love and it’s a sunny day

on May 11, 2012

I know I haven’t written since the India trip. I have been keeping notes for you, so give me some time on that. I promise I will tell you all about it. But for now, I wanted to share something about today.

I had a really lovely day today. I woke up jetlagged at 5:30 and my first thought was “I guess I’ll head to work early.” That thought seemed a little sad. But my second, much better thought was to lace up my shoes and go out for a run. And so I did. I ran 3 miles. Not much, but having been away from exercise for a few weeks, it was a good start. On my way back, I stopped off at my vegetable patch in the community garden. Every plant was healthy and growing. I thought about how much fun it is going to be to use all these herbs for the dinner I am cooking for our families tomorrow night for Mothers’ Day.

When I got home, I ate a nice relaxed breakfast (well, my style of having dinner for breakfast), of our favorite tomato soup and a burrito. Hey, I went running! At the same time, I was browsing recipes that used loads of fresh dill. Mmm.

Then I remembered that before the trip, I got a key to store my bike at work. This as been the excuse in my back pocket all along to avoid riding to work: No place to put the bike, afraid it will get stolen. Well before I left, I removed that excuse by signing up for a space in the newly furnished bike room in the building. I thought to myself,”It’s Friday. No one is in the office – especially your manager. It may be getting late, but it’s worth experimenting on a new way of going to work on a quiet day like today.” So I packed my bag, tossed it in the milk crate I had fastened onto the bike, and hopped on.

The lakefront was Beautiful! It took me more than an hour to get to work, but it was worth it. Lake Michigan sparkled and glinted under the sun. I felt so lucky to experience the early parts of what was going to be a beautiful day. I saw so many others out enjoying the weather, or exercising, or going to work – or some combination of these – and I felt a part of the greater Chicago community.

At each of these points I felt like one of those people – those people that I would see running on the lakefront, or growing their own food, or doing something over-and-above that made me feel like I just didn’t quite have it together and they did… like they were one step ahead. Today I was one of those people, and I let myself realize that at many points I am very productive and spend my time doing things that really do give me a lot of pleasure. I am not always just an automaton watching episodes of Friday Night Lights back to back, watching other people live their lives.

What I’m trying to say is that today I allowed myself to bask in the feeling of being truly happy. I know that the things that made me so happy are very ordinary, and that when I step back, these different elements are part of many of my days.

So that means this was really about a change in perspective in me. And that is where you come in. You are probably wondering what this all has to do with you.

Well, a while ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I may not have been in a place mentally to appreciate these simple things, take pleasure in them, and recognize myself as a productive and put together person. I felt like I was inwardly falling apart a little, and you and I were fighting. I’m not sure which caused which – the fighting or the falling apart – maybe it’s a chicken and egg situation. But I wasn’t sleeping as well, we were staying up late to talk, or I was up overthinking. Whatever the case, I didn’t have the mental capacity to take on new things, to say “why not?” and ride my bike to work to enjoy a sunny morning, to get up at 5:30 without feeling weighed down by worry and nagging feelings.

But now I do, and it hit me today that it’s been this way for a while. You and I are much, much stronger now, and I feel so secure and happy in our relationship, and secure and happy in myself (these work together, but are different). I see a big change in myself – my inner “cup half full” self is reemerging. And I owe so much of this baseline inner happiness to us, to how much you’ve given me, and to the inner sense of peace I have going about my daily life that allows me to turn outward toward the world and really enjoy the experiences of life.

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